My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
