you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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