my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
