Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
