Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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