sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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