I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we made out on top of his cat.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
