Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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