I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
