Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
