Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
