By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
