I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
