the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The struggles of a small town man whore
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
