Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Four minutes until I can fart!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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