Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
