It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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