Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He? As in you personified your dick?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
