i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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