3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
