I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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