You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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