I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
