he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
