I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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