But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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