My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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