after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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