Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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