didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
