see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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