Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
