How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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