I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
