I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You can't special order awesome
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
