Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
