Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
