my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
