i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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