the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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