peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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