birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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