Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
