don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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