Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
