My liver just broke up with me...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
