guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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