Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Boobs speak an international language.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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