So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
