you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
