I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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